There’s an interesting thing that happens in my office, whenever a new client comes in. We discuss the process of divorce, property, the children, and usually the backstory for the breakup.

There are a few different categories of events here.

In some cases, there are true villains: horrific cases of abuse and incredible stories of bravery and survival from the men and women who have been able to cut the cord. Let me be clear – if that is your story, then this post is not really about you. If you have survived that particular hell-scape, then my hat is truly off to you and I congratulate you on your freedom. You must take adequate steps to protect yourself – legal, emotional, and physical, and then you run.

For the rest of us more lucky ones, there are three clear categories:

There is a subset that shrug, and tell me the relationship ended by mutual decision – the kids (if any) have grown, the couple has grown apart, they simply wish to settle their affairs and move on. These guys typically have good and swift outcomes, and are able to work most things out between them with little input from me. This post isn’t really about these guys either.

There is a further subset that when discussing the back story avert their gaze, mumble something quickly, and wish to just move to the next part. Invariably, these are the ones that felt somehow responsible, via infidelity, or simply that they fell out of love and were the ones to cut the tie. These are the ‘villains’.

There is a third set – the ‘victims’ of the divorce. These ones are the easiest to spot. They are eager to tell me in minute detail about the affair, the crushing discovery, the blow up that followed. They are raging (often a fair response) and want to take all they can get – full custody, all the property: they want to exact vengeance. There is a desire to proceed to Court, to seek more than the law will permit, to make applications to prevent their spouse from seeing them, their children, they want it all.

I truly understand this position. My own divorce involved an affair, a lengthy period of trying to figure out what was going on before the affair came to light, and a blindsided delivery that came just 10 minutes after booking a family photo shoot together. It was a real doozy.

However, one thing I have learnt (and was lucky to identify early on) was that being a ‘victim’ in this situation would not help me. Of course, there was a period in which I told my friends and family all about my ex-husband’s crimes. It was a way to vent and find solace over wines with the girls on child-free nights. I do encourage this, and you need to process what happened.

However, I can confidently say as a legal strategy, playing the victim is usually a weak one in a territory that has a no-fault system (such as my one). The law is the law. It is not changed by your pain. While a drawn out legal battle is a good pay-day for me, and for your ex-partner’s lawyer, the lawyers are the only ones who will win that game. You need to be smart.

More important though, it’s just not a great strategy in life. We all have that one friend that got so tied up in their ex and now that’s all they talk about on loop. It’s boring right? The first few times you can sympathise with their plight, but after the 8th, 24th, 86th iteration it’s just dumb.

It’s also kind of tragic. I recently saw an Instagram reel in which a woman directed a fairly toxic diatribe to and about her ex-husband who cheated on her… I was pretty understanding of her rage until she stated this was six years ago! I mean hell hath no fury than a woman scorned and all that, but seriously? Move on babe. Imagine being so caught up in the fire that it’s still playing on your mind after six years. You’re so much better than that, with so much more to spend your energy on.

This is particularly the case where you have kids. You will realistically have to share your life in some capacity with this person for the foreseeable future. So best strap on the big kid pants, be smart, and begin to move through.

This is not an easy thing to do, and look don’t let me tell you how to be. Honestly, your feelings are your feelings. You need to feel them to get through them, so do what you gotta do: therapy, spirituality, exercise.

What really helped me in addition? Considering the other side’s perspective.

I have the advantage of meeting these ‘villains’ in my office 5 days a week. I can confidently confirm that their life, typically, is not going great. They are hurting. They know they have hurt you, your family, and forever changed the future you both thought you would have. In most cases, they are very sorry for this hurt – if not for the separation itself, for the actions that led to it and the pain they have caused.

‘Good’ I hear you say. Fair enough. But hear me out for a second.

I was lucky enough recently to swap these perspectives on a personal note with a ‘villain’. I had gone climbing in the mountains for a week. While there, I met a woman who was also recently divorced. We bonded over sunburn and the difficulties of getting knots out of your hair when sleeping at 7200 feet. In that remote setting, we shared our stories of divorce: me as the victim of an affair, she as the villain.

What came out of this discussion was the same guilt, shame, and devastation that I witnessed in my own meeting rooms. She and her partner had gone through a rough patch, and were not connecting. She connected with someone else through her work, and in her words ‘badly hurt my person‘. The parallel with my own story was staggering. She was really cut up, her voice cracking with the pain she had inflicted.

This woman was a decent, funny, generous and lovely person who I genuinely liked. I found myself comforting her, acknowledging that the relationship I had with my partner was likely already over by the time he had an affair, much like it sounded hers was: the affair was a symptom, not the cause of our demise. Similarly, she spoke of the difficult decisions that had led her to that point, the fear, the attempts to keep trying, and then ultimately the shame and devastation at the actions she took. Our mutual ability to comfort each other through the different perspectives allowed me to take a significant step forward.

So – in short: as hard as it is, when you are ready, put that shoe on the other foot for a bit. It was likely a difficult time for the ‘villain’ too. They are being judged harshly for the failure of their marriage. Let that be punishment enough, and move through.

And if all else fails, rest in the knowledge that their life is not now all roses. You don’t have to ‘forgive’ – lets not be pollyanna here – but if you can let go of the blame and shame mentality and focus on yourself, things will improve for you. And, with any luck, you may just save yourself the trouble of posting public reels about it six years down the line.